I’ve been sick for a while now, but I still find it amazing how quickly a pain spike (or flare) can completely knock my life out of whack.
It’s a life pared down from my past, filled with doctors and medications instead of policy, advocacy and action. I have grown accustomed to the rhythms of this chronically ill life, learned how pare back to the absolutely necessary while dealing with the daily, constant presence of pain and the symptoms of sickness. And perhaps because of pain’s sizable role in my daily life, I feel surprised when my body finds away to increase the pain and force my limited activity to grind to a halt.
Today I could not pick up a glass of water without excruciating pain that radiated down my side. Any small movement had my body shrieking for attention. And it sucked. Crying in frustration because there is no way to get yourself comfortable is a truly horrible place to be. And this all came about after my Complex Region Pain Syndrome (CRPS) had revved back up after a multi-month remission (it had occurred only sporadically during those months, and never for a day or so at a time, so let’s call it a remission anyway). Two weeks of throbbing pain in my right cheek (yep, that’s where mine is, left over from the vestiges of a semi-curative second brain surgery for recurrence of Cushing’s Disease). It’s like the world’s worst poker tell, it turns bright red when I am bluffing—though here the bluffing only applies to saying I feel fine. So two weeks remembering why they say CRPS is one of the most painful conditions followed by an intense fibromyalgia flare. Good times.
At the end of last year, my desire was to be in a stable place, and feel strong enough to scream “2017, you are my bitch!” as the ball dropped at midnight in New York. My reality, however, seems destined to cling to the path of falling asleep by 8 while “don’t let this year suck as much as 2016” repeats on a loop in my head.
Well at least now I’ve gotten all of the negative stuff out of the way. 2017, I’m ready for you to dazzle me.
(due to a hosting change, this blog has had an interruption in service. For blog posts pre-2017 please visit the archive page.)